United Brings New Meaning To Phrase Heads-Up

David J. Danto

Travel thoughts in my own, personal opinion

eMail: ddanto@IMCCA.org Follow Industry News: @NJDavidD on

United Brings New Meaning To “Heads-Up!”– December 2024

Anyone who’s been reading my travel blogs knows I have a complicated relationship with United Airlines. It’s a love-hate affair – minus most of the love. I loathe their management and the fact that they’ve unceremoniously shafted me (and all the other million milers) out of the promised lifetime elite status we earned back in the day. That ire, however, is directed squarely at the suits in charge. The aircraft themselves? I never really had a bone to pick with them. But apparently, they’ve got a bone to pick with me.

This morning’s flight from Newark to Las Vegas offered not just one rare experience, but two – neither of which I recommend. Let’s set the stage: I booked the 6 AM departure, not because I love stumbling around pre-dawn terminals, but because it was significantly cheaper. Imagine my shock when, a day before departure, I got an advance, automatic upgrade. This almost never happens to us “lifetime elites as lowly golds” anymore. So, there I was, bleary-eyed but snug in a Polaris seat that apparently nobody else wanted – and one that felt suspiciously like Continental’s old BusinessFirst seats before "Polaris" became a thing.

Things were going smoothly – until they weren’t. While we were taxiing, one of the overhead bin trim panels decided it was tired of holding on and came crashing down…right onto my head.

Naturally, I hit the call button. Safety first, right? The flight attendants got the captain to check it out. His professional solution? Tape it back up. And when I say "tape" I mean the kind of stickers used to declare bathrooms out of order. Not exactly what you’d call aircraft-grade repair material.

To their credit, the crew and passengers seemed to share a common understanding: Let’s not make a big deal out of this, or we’ll be stuck here all day. My seatmate and I had already adopted a similar “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when we noticed our electric seat controls had a mind of their own. The footrests and seatbacks were adjusting themselves like they were auditioning for Poltergeist: The Airplane Edition. “We’ll let them know mid-flight,” we agreed. After all, delays are worse than hauntings.

Predictably, the sticker solution failed. The panel fell again during takeoff – but this time, thankfully, I was ready for it. I knew the bathroom stickers would never do the job, so I was keeping an eye on it the whole time. I calmly placed it in the aisle, gave the flight attendant a friendly wave, and let the plane do its thing. Later, the crew advised us to avoid touching the “electrical looking thing” which – pro tip – is not what you want to hear at 35,000 feet. (If someone knows what that device hidden behind the panel is please let me know. I’m not an aviation guy, so to me it looks like something Harry Tuttle would install in an apartment.)

The lead flight attendant did check on me and offered a sincere apology. I can only imagine the things they’ve seen and coped with.

She returned toward the end of the flight and offered me either extra mileage or a travel voucher. I appreciated the gesture, though I wouldn’t say no to an upgrade and a reinforced panel next time – or at least a handy roll of duct-tape.

Here’s the thing: United’s fleet of 757s is most definitely ancient, and they’re showing us they’re literally falling apart. But I’d still take one over the 737 MAX any day. And comfort-wise? They blow the newer Dreamliners out of the water. The sardine-can coach seats on the 787s were clearly designed by someone who hates passengers.

So, what’s the lesson here? If you’re flying United, keep your wits about you – and maybe wear a helmet. We always knew we could expect turbulence in the sky – but we don’t exactly plan for the sky to start falling inside the plane.

This article was written by David Danto and contains solely his own, personal opinions.

All image and links provided above as reference under prevailing fair use statutes.

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